Life4seekers

Failure

Young People And Failure

I remember clearly the day I got my Alevel results. In the hall of my school, in the company of lots of class-mates, I opened my envelope. My heart sank as I read the results which were all about 3 grades lower than I’d expected. I was gutted and I was confused. But then, as I re-scanned the paper, it seemed to tell me I’d sat exams that I hadn’t studied for, which was strange, and…hang on a minute, the name at the top wasn’t even mine…these weren’t my results at all!

Somewhere else in the room, the girl with the same initials as me was opening up my results.

It was incredibly embarrassing for both us, but fortunately for me I walked away with relieved.

Before and since then, I have however tasted the bitterness of not succeeding as I’d hoped…and of outright failing. Driving tests. Job interviews. Relationships. And all these have raised questions about what motivates me. I like to think I’m motivated to achieve goals, or simply do my best. But I have a feeling that’s often mixed up with wanting to gain status or to be appreciated.

So what happens when our self image, or our reputation hang on our achievements? When things don’t work out, the temptation can be to keep it quiet. Or, to jack it all in and start over. To reinvent ourselves…preferably somewhere where people don’t know how we’ve under-achieved.

Thousands of young people are under imense pressure. When they receive their exam results, not only does their future hang in the balance, but possibly the good opinion of their parents and teachers. 

In concern for some of the young people I work with in a faith context, I wonder what happens for them when they make mistakes, not just failing exams, but mistakes they think don’t fit with church? Or what happens when they experience doubt? How do they cope? Who do they turn to? I would hate to think that because I’ve tried to present an image of myself that’s all sorted, I may have communicated that there’s no room for failure and difficulty.

Mother Teresa once said ‘We are not called to be successful, we are called to be faithful.’ And she trusted in a God whom she knew as Father, whose unconditional love wouldn’t be affected by her mistakes.

Surely she was right – it’s not all about success. Faithfulness to the gifts and opportunities we’ve been given is far more important. And that includes the opportunity we all have to pick ourselves up and start again. And the opportunity we have to exercise grace, by having an unconditional, positive regard for ourselves as well as others, regardless of success and failure. May you and those around you have a grace-filled day.

*The above was written by Emily Davis and was presented on BBC Radio Two's, 'Pause For Thought'.

Image from: www.istockphoto.com

Facebook

If I was to tell you that my mornings' activities so far involved being drop-kicked, bitten, turned into a zombie, and having a sheep thrown at me, you may be concerned – either for my physical well-being or for my sanity. But the truth is that all these things could well be part of my daily routine, thanks to the delights of ‘Facebook’. This is just one of several websites, that helps you get in touch with and chat to friends online. It’s all part of a new trend called ‘social networking’. And so many people are signed up that it makes virtual biting and sheep-throwing, the modern equivalent of saying ‘I’m thinking of you.’

So, what does ‘social networking’ via the web, say about us?

Well, some of us are just nosy and joining a network enables us to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. Some of us are shy, and have at last found an ideal, easy forum for being sociable.

I think for me, what’s most attractive about it, is the ability to re-create community. Since leaving school I’ve kept in touch with a whole two school friends. That means that when I head home, I know my parents…and my brother…and the parents  of the two friends. Basically there’s no sense of community for me there.

And yet in the last few weeks I’ve met up with 10 or so of my school mates via the internet. Now I don’t mean we’ve seen each other in person…we probably never will…but it’s great to hear from them…and just to know they’re there. There’s something about old friends which gives a sense of rootedness – a connection with the past, and with the journey of life. When people were less mobile, and spent their whole life in the same town, seeing the same people, not being connected to one’s past would have been impossible! But for many people today, it’s a fact of life.

One of my favourite passages of scripture is from the book of Isaiah, where God says ‘you, whom I have carried since the womb…until your old age I shall be the same.’

Who are we aware of journeying through life with? For some of us, it may be God. For others, it may be those who live on our street. And for an increasing number it may be the rekindled friendships that have come courtesy of the internet! Do they know we appreciate the invaluable quality their constancy brings to our lives? Lets make sure they do – whether that means saying a prayer, giving them a call…or, as is the new fangled way, throwing them a virtual sheep.

This contribution was broadcast on Radio Two and was written and presented by Emily Davis.

Chastity

Did you know that the contemporary chastity belt has many modern features? Rust free stainless steel, foam padding, laser cut safe edges and high technology locks. On the other hand, one of my male friends assures me his messy bedroom is a sure deterrent to any sexual activity! It’s not just the practise of chastity that is a challenge today however, it’s the very concept.                                                                        

The purity ring was launched in the USA in the 1990s. The idea was that wearing the ring was a reminder of the young person’s pledge to be chaste. In Singapore just a few weeks ago a campaign promoting abstinence was launched. Their freebie was a wrist band with the inscription ‘worth waiting for’. These campaigns and others have been initiated by Christians. Here in Britain, the Catholic Church similarly promotes chastity amongst its young people. But why?

I’ve done a lot of work in secondary schools, and I remember distinctly the day I told a sixth form group that myself and my fiancé would go no further than kissing. I was marvelled at as if I was a member of an alien species.

Our culture is such that young people rarely hear of any alternative to a sexually active lifestyle. Of course, the danger of gimmick focussed campaigns is that wearing a ring or wristband may not reflect a well thought through lifestyle decision. However, I have learnt from experience, that when given honest answers to their questions about chastity, many young people will seriously consider it.

We have a cultural ‘norm’, and I would say this involves something of a reversed taboo as far as sex is concerned. Outside of talking about monks and nuns, chastity is an unspoken word. There is no kudos in being a virgin. Magazines rarely report on how not to sleep with your partner, and clothes are rarely designed to promote platonic relationships. Too often, sexually active young people are weighed down by this peer pressure. They can be driven by their need to experience love and acceptance, and their lifestyle choices can be a symptom of low self esteem.

Young people need to be reminded of their dignity and affirmed in their power to make positive choices. Saving yourself for a life-long sexual partner is psychologically, spiritually and physically the healthiest decision they could ever make. Chastity then, is about embracing sexuality and sex, not rejecting it, but choosing to express it in the most life-giving context.

Today, each of us, young or old, can choose to be chaste. It’s not just about sexual abstinence but the valuing of oneself and others so highly that you want to respect and protect them as a precious gift.

Disclaimer: Life4seekers does not take responsibility for the content of external sites. Please contact us if we are unwittingly linking to unsuitable material.

Image from: www.god411.com

This was written by Emily Davis who is a Life4seekers Team Member. It was broadcast on BBC Radio 2's, Pause For Thought, earlier this year.

Belonging?

  I was recently chatting to someone who is about to become a Catholic. He said that one of the attractions was that it felt like family. In fact, he said he looked around and saw a lot of people he wouldn’t mind going to the pub with.

I think when we enter somewhere new, a workplace, a gym or a church, we look for people like us. We look for community. There are signs of this everywhere. Our local yoga class, for example. After serious flexing and bending, there’s herbal tea, very healthy biscuits, and a good chat. Which part do people enjoy more I wonder? Equally, a glass of wine and time to talk, doubles attendance at a Church event.

In this area young people and adults are very alike. A lot of my work has involved helping teenagers explore their spirituality. What I discover time and time again, is that the key to young people’s involvement, is the presence of people they’re in relationship with. And this isn’t just their peers. It can be family members, or other adults. Young people are looking for somewhere to belong.

At this crucial stage in the development of their identity, to move towards community can be something of that a survival tactic. However, the Catholic understanding of community would go further. I recall a quote from Henri Nouwen, who said, ‘we come to realise that we were together before we came together and that community life is not a creation of human will but an obedient response to the reality of our being united.’ Each Christian community can be a place where individual is recognised as a spiritual child of God, of equal value and import. The idea is that we are a body. That means someone’s absence is a bit like the loss of a little finger….or a nostril….or some other vital component!

You don’t have to travel far to hear adults in faith communities bemoaning the loss of their young. But if young people do not experience the community in question as a place of unity, strong in both spirituality and relationship, why on earth would they want to stick around? Far better loiter in the local park, or in the high street, where there’s a real sense of camaraderie.

Whatever our background, we can all take stock of the communities we belong to, and check whether they’re in order. Are they healthy enough to receive guests?! And are they places our young people are made welcome?

By Emily Davis, Life4seekers Team Member

(This was broadcast on BBC Radio 2's, Pause For Thought, in March 2007.)

The Size Zero Debate

Contemporary magazine covers are dominated by images of very thin young men and women. There is, in turn, increasing speculation, as to which of those featured is naturally thin and which are suffering the tragedy of an eating disorder.

Image and body shape are the topic of many people's conversation at home, where we socialise or in the workplace. A large number in my circle, seem to be on a constant diet and some desperately feel over-burdened by the pressure to be a particular weight. A large proportion, deep down aspire to be (probably including myself in this) a supermodel; we await that day when we will look perfect and be that ideal size and shape. The pursuit of a perfect size zero is our aim, but then we pass a newsagent's or chip shop and that dream soon fades away!

The presures on us from exterior sources to keep striving for this dream look are enormous, but what does the inner you or I say? Does it really matter if we're larger than life? Does that change the inner us? Do we have to look a certain way to be fufilled and happy?

It's a well used phrase, but many seekers discover the truth that 'true happiness comes from within'; that deep place where we find our true selves and our personal space. If we have love in this space, we will be able to love those outside of ourselves. If we have peace reigning here, surely that is what we will spread? What and who lies in your heart?

As a fellow seeker, although I still have struggles in my life, I'll share with you who is the source of my inner peace, happiness and strength. See: http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/aplaceforgodinourworld/jesuspurposeonearth.html

Medics Abortion Aversion: Tide Is Turning

The national newspapers have featured a series of stories in recent weeks about the growing number of doctors who are refusing to carry out and refer patients for abortions. It’s a significant revelation, given that for decades, leading doctors and professors have tried to argue that an embryo is only a potential life and not a human person.

In the same vain, I was surprised, when talking to a young person not long ago, that the topic of euthanasia and abortion fell into the conversation. Of the latter, I expected, given this person’s young age, that they’d take a fervent pro-choice stance. Instead, they displayed a simple and clear appreciation that abortion was a great wrong and should be discouraged; “it was no easy way out,” they said. (I hope and pray they weren’t speaking from experience.)

Whether medics or young people, the tide of thought in relation to abortion, seems to be turning.

It’s not the purpose of this blog to preach, but to raise issues, themes and concerns, for people to examine and reflect on for themselves. However, abortion is an issue those behind Life4seekers feel passionately. From the moment of conception until natural death, all life is sacred. Whatever the circumstances, life can not be terminated by men and women. Only God can decide the moment of a person’s death.

That is not to say, that we shouldn’t show immense sensitivity to those affected by an unwanted pregnancy or struggling with a debilitating disease. Society has a moral duty to try to support people in desperate and often painful situations. We must display compassion and offer every support, upholding the truth that no one is in a position to take a human life (even if the person themselves wishes to die).

Love is the answer. It is a reality that can overcome every hurt, fear, tragedy, pain and suffering. Society doesn’t need the medical profession to provide life-ending procedures to solve our problems. Society needs more people to show and give those in need, unconditional love and forgiveness, so that those affected by abortion or serious illnesses, are given the strength to accept and carry their burdens with our help.

But being realistic, where can unconditional love and mercy be found? I don’t possess it, do you? The only place that I have found it is in the person of Jesus Christ.

To continue exploring issues related to the beginning and ending of life, please see: http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/lifestylevalues/life.html

Lisa's Inside Story

Inside story – Lisa shares her personal Easter experience

Cartoon caption: "But I don't want to change!"

At the age of 18, whilst at university, I found myself sinking into a very dark place which was filled with despair and desolation. To the outside world, all seemed well and student life continued as per norm. There seemed to be no way out of this sad place, nor did there seem to be any way of filling the inner void that was so deep and painful. As the weeks passed it began to engulf me.

The source of my darkness was related to past experiences – loved ones lost, things others had done to me and bad things I had done myself which led to feelings of shame and deep regret. These experiences left me feeling burdened and heavy. Although I longed to be freed from them with all my being, there didn't seem to be any release.

One day I met a Catholic priest who was talking to me and a group of my friends. He struck me as an honest man, who had hidden depths and much integrity, as well as a cracking sense of humour. He made time for people and was always available. Something or someone compelled me to seek him out and talk to him on a one-to-one basis.

Over a period of several weeks I began to speak regularly with this priest about my situation. He listened to me as I shared with him the darkness that lay all consuming within me. He also talked to me about God’s immense love for me. He explained that it was a love so extreme that God had let his son, Jesus Christ, die on the cross for me. I wasn’t sure that I totally understood at the time, but little by little, as I listened, a change occurred within me.

It became an all consuming transformation. His words and prayers pierced the depths of my inner darkness. It felt like a light had entered into my soul and was gradually lifting me out of the darkness. Each time we met, I felt "lifted" into a new way of living and being. A new me had been born. I realised that I was a beloved daughter of God. I was loved and forgiven.

To reach this new place of light and life, I had to believe in God and choose to let God in. I had to die to old attitudes and fears. I had to handover to God my weakness and all the wrongs I had done. He took them from me using the priest as his healer. If I hadn’t done this, I would feel dead inside to this day. God truly resurrected my life not into what it was before, but into something more wonderful and joy-filled. It was a truly amazing experience that I wish everyone could share.

Suffering, death and resurrection ... these are three words which resonate with the life of Jesus, and they resonate with my own story. There is much of the Easter message found within it. Although life by no means became perfect for me from the age of 18, I have never returned to the darkness and despair that I then found myself in. God has since that moment been my rock, my joy, my source of life. Whoever reading this might like to experience what this new life is like, ask for it. This Easter, give God permission to enter your life. It's a risk that's definitely worth taking.

For more on Easter see: http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/easter/index.html

Poetry, But Not In Motion

Poetry, But Not In Motion

Love is in the air in February

New life is in the air in March

April brings us showers

And May a…..

I’m afraid my poetic talents are so appalling that I won’t expose you to more. But is it me or are the long dark nights behind us? The days are definitely getting longer and lighter. Miracle of miracles, I’m actually finding that the effect of this seasonal change is that getting out of bed in the morning is fractionally easier. My body clock is at least an hour ahead.

This was the cause of some raised eyebrows at work recently, as I arrived in the office at 8.30am because my body was convinced it was 9.30am! I must get a grip. But it’s great, though, to feel a rush of renewed energy and joy of living, even if we are in the season of Lent!

Lent lasts forty days and is a time when people are encouraged to enter into prayer in a deeper way and to deny themselves (a form of fasting); be that abstaining from drinking or some other treat like chocolate. The latter is my Achilles Heel. It’s really hard to live without a chocolate fix a couple of times a week. My waistline is definitely approving though.

Aside from the superficialities, the purpose of this time of abstention is certainly not to edge me nearer to a size 8 (chance would be a fine thing), but spiritually it is offered as a time of metanoia; a Greek word which means a radical change of life, heart and mind, a process of renewal and inner transformation, leading to a new freedom and way of thinking and acting. You’ve heard of the phrase ‘spring clean’, well, Lent provides an opportunity for a spiritual, ‘inner spring clean’ of the body, mind and soul. It’s a process which can only be truly effective if the focus of our ‘inner spring clean’ is authentic - Jesus Christ.

But who is Jesus and how can I enjoy a full body, mind and spirit spring clean?

The health spa is calling… I’ll leave the answer to those questions for you to discover.

See:

http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/aplaceforgodinourworld/jesusasarolemodel.html

http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/aplaceforgodinourworld/jesuspurposeonearth.html

http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/channelling/baptism.html

http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/channelling/confession.html

http://www.life4seekers.co.uk/spirituality-prayer/

"BB" and Voyeurism: a life-giving or life-sapping reality?

However, much I try, it’s getting more and more difficult to avoid the “BB” culture. I found that the recent Channel Four TV show, for example, easily became compulsive viewing and soon dominated an evening’s entertainment.

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Even if you’re reading this and are not a “BB” fan, you can’t have failed to notice that for several weeks, Big Brother has dominated newspaper headlines, with contestants featuring on national magazine covers. (As legal proceedings may be underway, I won’t make any comment on the allegations of racism, except to say that under all circumstances it is wrong and can never be tolerated.)

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But shouldn’t this genre of television deeply perturb us all?

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It could be argued convincingly that it’s superficial, meaningless, mundane and wantonly invades the most basic of human needs – the need for privacy. What possible interest could there be in pictures of people sleeping or eating? Why should we be remotely interested in meaningless games and challenges? Why should we be entertained by watching someone reveal their inmost secrets and insecurities on national television?

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Why?!!! Because it makes for great entertainment; feeding our insatiable desire to ‘intimately know’ celebrities.

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Looking at the bigger picture, are programmes like this life-giving; really for the good of society and those participating, those watching?

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From what I have seen, I don’t think they are. Rather than giving life to those watching or participating, they at times result in exposure and shame. The words life-sapping spring to mind as even viewers, (myself included) fall prey to late night TV viewing and probably the transformation of self into a porky couch potato.

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On the spiritual level, “BB” has positively provoked me though to consider the things that do give me life and my concept of God and relationship with him.

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Does sitting on my sofa watching endless hours of TV, for example, lead to healthy and happy living? No. Do I need to ensure that my life has a body, mind and spirit balance? Yes. Who is the real “Big Brother” in my own life and what is my relationship with him? That’s a much bigger question...

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For me, the “BB” eye, takes on a God-like persona – an all-seeing and all-powerful entity. He sees who is behaving and who is not. He grants favours to those who are successful at tasks and those who are not. Is God the creator of heaven and earth like this? If he is, I find it’s a concept that’s detached, terrifying and leaves no room for love or genuine feeling. Where do you stand on this?

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In my own life, I’ve found that I’ve been signposted to a God who is, yes, all-powerful and all-knowing (so kind of Big Brotherish), but also a God of love, full of tenderness and forgiving. I’ve discovered a meaning to my life through meeting him, something which doesn’t happen when I watch reality television.

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So, that concluded, shall I continue to watch “BB” or not? There lies a mystery…

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Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article do not represent those of Life4seekers nor the Catholic Enquiry Office. They are one person’s reflection on a recent television phenomenon.

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Hear Our Silence

Hear Our Silence: A Journey Into Prayer 

by John Skinner

Blog written by a “Closet Would-Be” Carthusian Monk

The more I read of John Skinner’s book Hear Our Silence, the more silent monastic life seems to appeal; like a magnet gently but irresistibly drawing an object into its welcome grip. There’s just one major problem, which I am inclined to think is significant, I’m a woman, so remaining a “closet would-be” monk will for now, have to satisfy my inner yearnings.

For those of us who are feeling over-burdened by the demands of modern life, Skinner’s book offers an extraordinary insight into a mysterious hidden life and world. The Carthusian Order was founded over 900 years ago; members forgo their freedom, worldly comforts and pleasures, to dedicate their lives to prayer, silence and manual work. Their routine is only broken by a few hours of community time, weekly, when they are permitted to talk. Although to most of us it’s an existence that seems beyond belief, the monks find the life a wellspring from which they discover themselves, God, the beauty of the natural world, those living around them, and the purpose of life. Tempted?

One of words repeated several times, in a film that I recently saw about the Order, was “seduced” and indeed these men have been spiritually seduced so as to pursue the face of God. The use of that word certainly made me reflect on the who and what I am seduced by in life; not least getting caught up in the pursuit of more things and ticking off in my life places to go and people to see. Do these things or experiences bring me lasting happiness? Perhaps in the short term, but then come those moments of truth; normally during a sleepless long winter night.

Hear Our Silence is one of those rare books which has compelled me to stop, take stock and reflect on my lot. I want what these monks have and are discovering, and if ‘hearing our silence’ is the way to discover it, then adopting something of the Carthusian way of life; pausing daily for a moment of silent God-centred meditation, in the midst of my busy life, must be my enduring resolution for 2007.

For more on prayer and spirituality please see: www.life4seekers.co.uk/prayer 

For information about monastic life and vocations please see: www.ukvocation.org

Book Extract

Hear Our Silence: A Journey Into Prayer, by John Skinner

Gracewing, 2003. ISBN: 0-85244-612-8  £9.99

‘ “One of the most beautiful definitions of a monk is that he is man of desire. This restlessness does not allow him to be content with what is created; the thirst for the absolute, this hunger for love, is the wellspring, the impetus for his search for God.”

(The Way of Silent Love, pg. 28)

This desire is born of a naive love of God, the response as it were, to take God for real and to allow him to dominate your life. The contemplative has first been touched by God, he has fallen for him. Think of ‘young love’ familiar to us in the world; two young people seen holding hands at a busy bus stop or arm in arm as they walk along the street. Their bodies need to touch… The same is true of the Carthusian. He has chosen to shut himself away in his solitude, a solitude he guards tenaciously, for his business is with God, and it will keep him a lifetime.'

Hear Our Silence: A Journey Into Prayer, page 18

Image: A Carthusian monk. Courtesy of Soda Pictures.